Getting back into yoga - and to myself

I have had a love hate relationship with yoga over the years.  I started yoga about 16 years ago.  And I did not like it.  I did not find any enjoyment.  It wasn't about the quiet.  It was more about the movement.  Being that connected to my body, my breath.  Cardio is fast moving, powered by beats and bass and 30 minutes and you are done.  Pretty mindless for me.  Set the timer on a cardio machine and go.  But over the years, I find myself wanting to go back to it.  Try it again. First to meet the challenge.  Master it.  Show myself that I could do it.  But something is different each time I go back to the practice. I felt the same way about Pilates.  And I have ZERO interest in trying it again.  Maybe if I had to choose a word to describe why I return to yoga is respect.  Maybe even honor.  I feel honored and I respect that when I come to the practice I come as I am ON THIS DAY.

Spirituality and in particular a spiritual practice where I take time in the morning and sit in the quiet with a journal and a Bible in my hand and a devotional plan to guide my practice felt very much the same at the beginning of my practice with it almost 27 years ago.  I did not love it.  It was very mechanical.  I basically mimicked what others said I should say and feel.  But then life got hard.  And then harder.  And at some points almost unbearable.  But I come to with similar feelings of honor.  And respect. And at 51, I find that the 'me' I am meant to be is more along the line of  F*&^ it, you have tried all the ways you have been told to fit in.  Why not really try to figure out what all of thiese experiences are REALLY supposed to add up to.

It was actually in a yoga class that I first heard the whisper "It's okay to be a woman."  That happened 15 years ago.  Before my daughter was born.  And I have wrestled with why I needed to hear that for years now.  Anytime I need to stand up for myself.  Anytime my voice is minimized.  Anytime, I feel unsure if I am even capable of making hard decisions for myself.  I think of that revelation.

Today I started my yoga practice again.  That was after last week being compelled to begin a green smoothie challenge.  And that was after I walked away from a job because it was way more stress than it was worth and my body was shutting down in dramatic fashion and I had to use my voice and say ENOUGH.  Scary stuff when you have become accustomed to being somewhere that can muscle through. Anything.  But not anymore.  I am back to really paying attention with the wisdom of these 50 years. What power does this wisdom hold that I am still dancing around with little girl eyes.  I want to put away childish ideals.  And become a fully evolved woman.  With things to say that shape the future.  So I begin by coming back to my first love which is writing.  And I wait for no matter how long it takes to find out what this wisdom holds.