When the dust settles…
My heart will be released from this feeling that every
decision about where I go or what I need to do in life will not be contingent
on school schedules and deployments. I
can take a yoga class. And actually
arrive on time. And stay until the
end. I can sing alleluia and amen. It is finished. I have kept the faith. I was consistent through to the end. I can figure out why it is I still teach
preschoolers and watch the clock and hold my tongue. Where are the interesting people at? Why can’t I release myself from this cage of
monotony. My brain feels frazzled. I can only handle time in three hour
allotments. When I am released, I will break
out with abandon like pushing through the tape at the finish line. But for now I just show up and do the same
thing again. And again. And again,
When the dust settles, I wonder what I will think
about these last five years. The
commitment I made to explore this different type of work. Heart centered. Soul filling and at the same time soul
depleting.
I think about my eight year old self and this is not
who I remember. I remember a girl who
wanted to be an attorney at 25. Because
attorney equated to asking tough questions and solving problems and being on
the edge of my mental capabilities. I am
on the edge but it is emotional and it’s like… serving time.