Soul Stories: When the Dust Settles

When the dust settles…

My heart will be released from this feeling that every decision about where I go or what I need to do in life will not be contingent on school schedules and deployments.  I can take a yoga class.  And actually arrive on time.  And stay until the end.  I can sing alleluia and amen.  It is finished.  I have kept the faith.  I was consistent through to the end.  I can figure out why it is I still teach preschoolers and watch the clock and hold my tongue.  Where are the interesting people at?  Why can’t I release myself from this cage of monotony.  My brain feels frazzled.  I can only handle time in three hour allotments.  When I am released, I will break out with abandon like pushing through the tape at the finish line.  But for now I just show up and do the same thing again. And again. And again,
When the dust settles, I wonder what I will think about these last five years.  The commitment I made to explore this different type of work.  Heart centered.  Soul filling and at the same time soul depleting.  

I think about my eight year old self and this is not who I remember.  I remember a girl who wanted to be an attorney at 25.  Because attorney equated to asking tough questions and solving problems and being on the edge of my mental capabilities.  I am on the edge but it is emotional and it’s like… serving time.